Some days, my full-time job #2 feels so overwhelming that I want to break down and cry. Ironically, I am not much of crier (pregnancy hormone hasn’t made me tear up yet!), but I was internally crying if you know what I mean. My full-time job #2 is what most women automatically get signed up for…house work. Let me tell you, sometimes it really sucks to have a hubby whose job requires 100% devotion and little energy left to think about other things…like managing a life. He wakes up 4:30am, leaves the house at 5:30am, and then comes home (usually) around 7 or 8pm. Granted, when he is on call or if he has an extremely long case in the OR, then all of that “schedule” goes out the window. On most days, he comes home to continue working – whether that is entering patient notes, preparing for next day’s cases, discussing cases with other residents, doing research, or working on a presentation. And there are countless days where he comes home completely starving because there was no time to eat. Thankfully, he’s not the hangry type, but I’m always on edge wondering if there is anything in the fridge for him to eat. I honestly don’t know how he does this and makes me worry how long he could continue like this. I sometimes sense that he is burnt out although he is a strong-willed man and will unlikely express that even to me.
And then there’s me. For him to completely devote his attention to his medical training, I have to pick up everything else. I do all the necessary shopping, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, paying bills, managing/monitoring our finances, coordinating any work I sometimes outsource (e.g., occasional yard work and dog walking), taking care of dogs, taking his 10-year-old car to the shop whenever something goes wrong and etc. On top of that, I am planning a weeklong “babymoon” (aka our last travel hoorah before we are tied down with a newborn this summer) what currently feels more like a chore than excitable anticipation. All of these seem to affect my full-time job #1 these days because of my mind that has a million different things that are trying to sync with each other. Sometimes I forget that I’m already nearing the final stage of my second trimester – I finally have a registry going, which is an overwhelming adventure of itself; nothing has been done in the nursery, and the future grandparents already have plane tickets booked for the arrival of the baby (this part is wonderful but it feels too real right now lol). It would also be nice if I could not be constantly reminded to submit my “plan” for my impending maternity leave at work. I happen to be taking 12 weeks off (I am really blessed) during the busiest season at my job, but I am surrounded by a bunch of anxious people who want me to come up with a plan (like now) to train the colleagues of my current responsibilities. I really don’t think I needed a daily reminder of this, but it’s a reminder both explicitly and inexplicitly that I couldn’t seem to get away from.
I was initially hesitant to lash it all out on this page because I feel like so many people describe pregnancy journey in the most positive way without ever disclosing the stressful side of it. I don’t want people to blindly believe that everything is just going to “work out.” Becoming a parent is a permanently life-altering experience, and I think it’s ok to admit that sometimes it’s an overwhelming process. There are a few times when I’m thinking, “what have I signed up for?” as it relates to preparing for parenthood. If I’m struggling to manage what I currently have, how could I possibly manage to add a human life who will completely depend on me for her survival and growth? That thought occasionally brings me chill, but I know we will figure it out. I sincerely do not want anyone reading this to mistakenly interpret it as regret for this pregnancy. I am constantly in awe of what my body could do to carry and grow this baby inside me. And the daily dose of kicking I receive from her is a wonderful way to remind me to prioritize what is important and keeping this happiness going.
I promise I don’t feel this kind of stress every day. But today, it all just seemed to hit and was absolutely overwhelming. Sometimes, I am better expressing my feeling in writing than saying it (oh and hubby is passed out in bed hours ago so he can’t lend his ears) so it certainly feels good to be able to use this platform for that expression.
My 23-week appointment is today (am I’m writing this at 12:30am)! I’m excited to get checked to make sure Baby B is baking well and hoping that Z might be able to swing by to be with me at the appointment.
Comments