Whole milk instead of formula. A new convertible car seat. Toddler instead of a baby. “Mama” and "Gaa" instead of cooing. Walking and never sitting still. Temper tantrums. Touching and tasting instead of staring. In a blink of an eye, my first 15 months of motherhood is just zooming by. On June 4th last year, this tiny firecracker made me a mom.
I heard that a few days ago was National Daughter's Day and while I think there are too many "national days" out there, I don't mind writing a whole novel about what it is like to have a daughter and being a first-time mom.
I absolutely do not know everything about motherhood. In fact, I am still astonished by the fact that I became a mother – me?! You see, I wasn’t the type that wanted to become a mother growing up. My dreams usually pertained to having a career, having a place of my own, driving my own car, and traveling the world. I didn't necessarily feel like having children or building a family would further add value to my happiness...that I am fine paving my own life alone. Even after I married to Z, I questioned the idea of becoming a mother. I just couldn’t see myself being a “mom.” I loved working and using the free time to travel and live life. But life is funny and somewhere along with the marriage, I became more interested in the thought of becoming a mom and here I am.
Almost 16 months later, I confidently say that I cannot remember life before her. It's amazing how a tiny, and yet rapidly growing human, can completely occupy your life and fill your soul. Here is a quick list of reflections I have had so far:
The days are long but the years are short...is absolutely true. There are definitely days that felt like I was dying because of sleep deprivation or because they were just really hard trying days. But those days get forgotten quickly and all that is left is your longingness to remember every detail before they fade. They are times I miss the newborn days and wished that I had embraced it a little more.
"Mom Guilt" is an everyday game. I think I have become the queen of having mom guilt throughout the day, and I'm not sure if it's because I am trying to juggle with working full-time. Not being able to accept her hug during a Zoom meeting? - mom guilt. Can't hold her because I'm cooking dinner? - mom guilt. Yelled at her because she kept doing something I told her not to? - definitely mom guilt. It's literally all day, every hour I think. I wish I could be better in many situations.
Cherish the time when Zoe wants ME, MAMA. My mom recently reminded me to use these short years to embrace all the cuddles, the clinging, and attachment because it won't last as long as I think. This was after I told her about a recent sleep regression she was going through that made me a little frustrated (because she had a hard time settling down for the night and was screaming for me to be with her). There were a couple of nights when I ended up co-sleeping because she was in such distress about me leaving her room. She had calmed down in seconds and slept so well through the night. I was mainly worried about "spoiling" the sleep training, which is when she reminded me of this. Yes, routine and discipline are totally important, but so is the child's sense of security and love. So, I am trying even harder to be in tune with her emotional needs.
I never know what to do during downtime. After Zoe goes to bed or taking a nap, I feel like I have to choose from a million different options - should I catch up on work? Take a nap? Clean the house? Exercise? I end up wondering if she's sleeping alright and then stare at the Instagram feed for like 90 minutes. Why?!?!?
I'm always tired. Zoe is an excellent sleeper. She sleeps 12 hours at night and takes a 2-hour nap. But I am still always tired. This mama could use a less mental load for the whole family.
Patience is everything. I always thought I was a patient person until motherhood is constantly proving me wrong. Loving your baby is easy, but loving with patience requires practice and persistence.
I love being a mom to this girl. I don't think I could love a human being this much. But I really do. No matter how exhausting the day can be, a silly typical-toddler move or a burst of pure, genuine laughter can instantly refuel me.
If you are expecting your first as you are reading this, you are in for a wild but a fun ride! If motherhood has taught me anything so far - it has made me strong, fiercely loving, and a great listener. I thank Zoe every day for choosing me to her mom, completely trusting, and loving me. And I love being a girl mom.
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