It has been a couple of weeks now since my mom and my brother returned to their home. I am essentially solo parenting at the moment due to Z’s insane work hours, but boy has it been fun so far! Of course, I am and will forever be sleep deprived (something that my sleep-loving body is trying to adapt…slowly) and eating has become more like Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating because time has become a precious commodity; I have been soaking in my alone with Baby Zoe. I will be returning to work in 2 weeks so these times are feeling even more precious.
9 weeks have gone by since Zoe finally made the grand entrance, and I have to say that I have finally been feeling more like myself since a couple of weeks ago. I have no words to express my appreciation for my mom, brother, and my mother-in-law for essentially rescuing us during the first several weeks of our new parenthood journey.
Originally, I intended to write about my postpartum recovery much earlier, but there simply wasn’t enough time (or the energy) during the day for me to write. However, I am glad that it took me this long to finally put my thoughts together because I think the tone of my writing would be very different if I attempted it when things were still very much hectic. While there is more societal awareness of women’s postpartum experience and PPD (postpartum depression)/PPA (postpartum anxiety), I still think it is not being talked about enough so I wanted to share my journey in a raw form.
Truthfully, postpartum recovery was a lot harder than I expected. In fact, I would easily say that postpartum is harder than the actual pregnancy although I realize this will be different for every person. It may appear extreme, but postpartum felt like a crashing airplane from the moment Zoe was out of my body. It seemed as if the buildup and changes it took my body over 40 weeks to carry a human being came crashing down in a span of 4 weeks. While I was exhausted giving birth, my adrenaline kept me going in the hospital so I didn’t feel much the exhaustion at least.
9 weeks later, here are the postpartum effects I have experienced or still experiencing:
Lochia – My goodness I thought it would never end. It took about 7 weeks for it to completely stop. Up until then, I would have sporadic flow or spotting. I also had a terrible reaction to wearing feminine pads for so many weeks in which resulted in skin yeast infection on my inner thighs (not everyone has thigh gap…haha). It was the worst itch ever and would flare up at the worst time ever (like while I’m nursing or pumping). It was an unexpected side effect that had put such a negative impact on my emotions. I finally had to ask a dermatologist friend to prescribe me a couple of different ointment because over-the-counter products weren’t cutting it.
Night sweat/hot flash – I had read about this but didn’t think much of it until I experienced it for a few days (it lasted about 3-4 days). Wow, I had no idea I could sweat that much overnight…haha. I highly recommend packing an extra PJ/something comfortable to wear at the hospital because you will sweat through everything.
Pre-pregnancy weight – Ha! almost there but not quite. And honestly, I really don’t care which somewhat surprises me. I thought I would be kind of obsessed with getting back to my formal appearance but that hasn’t been the case at all. I am quite happy with where I am right now and how this body transformed during and after pregnancy.
Linea Nigra and stretch marks – I have them both. It makes me wonder if my linea nigra will ever go away because it’s still there so prominently. As for stretch marks, I didn’t get them until I was about 36 weeks pregnant – oh well, it doesn’t bother me.
Breastmilk – Yes, I’ve been lucky enough to provide breastmilk for Zoe. Long story short, I started out nursing but I am now exclusively pumping. More on this in a separate post because it was an emotional journey, and I think it is worthwhile to share it with others.
Postpartum depression – This is something I keep close attention for myself, but I don’t believe I am experiencing one at this time. I definitely had baby blues, though, which was personally difficult to admit and experience.
Hair loss – OMG yes. I don’t know why I arrogantly thought that I would be an exception to this. Hair loss is something I am dealing with right now. I am pretty shocked by how much hair I am losing from each shower and brushing…LOL.
Now that I have gone through the initial postpartum trenches, I can wholeheartedly concur that it truly takes a village to raise a human being. I could not imagine rather successfully going over this major hump without my mom, brother, and mother-in-law being here to help. The first few days at home with Zoe were beyond overwhelming that I wanted to hide. Compounded by the baby blues, I questioned often whether I had what it takes to be a mother to this precious little thing.
What made postpartum recovery so emotional and challenging wasn’t really the physical changes happening to me – again, the permanent effect pregnancy had on my body didn’t bother me much at all at the end. It was the (whole new level of) sleep deprivation + exhaustion from recovering labor + recovering from postpartum injuries (I had a grade 2 tear which made certain daily activities rather uncomfortable for a while) + breastfeeding/feeding struggle + a baby that needs 24/7 of your attention and crying is the only form of communication + baby blues that brings out all kinds of unexpected emotions (irritability, anxiety, mom guilt, etc.) made the recovery process beyond overwhelming.
I was also weirdly trigged by things like disorganization and clutter. Perhaps, it was my inability to cope with drastic changes (such as becoming a mother), but I was severely stressed by being in a house of too many people, Lilly and Stark’s barking, and baby’s stuff being everywhere in the house. Suddenly, the bed was not being made every morning, kitchen items were moved to places they didn’t belong, and I couldn’t easily shower whenever I felt like it. They were such small “issues” that I obsessed over and became upset about. To this day, I’m not sure if they were attributed by baby blues or the sheer result of sleep deprivation. And even though I recovered based on the average timeline, I was very impatient during my recovery process; I was constantly irritated that I was still feeling sore down there or the fact that I wasn’t getting things done at the rate I normally accomplish.
I say all these to emphasize to those about to enter the early postpartum phase or already in one – please be kind to yourself. I don’t know why I was so unkind and unforgiving to myself. At what point did I form this expectation that I should jump right back into the old ways right after giving birth? In fact, it’s not like I can really go back to the old ways. If I could tell myself 9 weeks ago, I would remind, and remind again, to myself that it will take time. It took 40 weeks for this body to evolve to carry a human, it is going to take a long time to go back to some sort of normalcy both physically and emotionally. As a friend of mine describes, parenthood or motherhood is literally life-altering. It is so so true – it’s much more altering than I could have ever imagined.
There are still some days that I internally beat myself over for not getting all the things I wanted to be done in a day. There are days when I feel like I will never win the postpartum recovery journey – like what does that even mean?! But at the end of the day, I take a deep breath and remind myself to be kind to myself. I need let go of the old ways and learn to adapt to the new norm…whatever that may be. I need to tell myself that I’m doing a wonderful job so far and that I am the best mother for Zoe.
Surround yourself with an army of supporters – employ your family, friends, neighbors, or coworkers for help. People who genuinely care about you will help you if you ask. Don’t try to be a hero and not ask for help; there is absolutely no shame in asking for help. As another friend of mine mentioned, this journey is not meant to be done alone. There was one definite moment I was proud of myself – I reached out to my mom friends and my mom early on when I was struggling. I called for SOS, a reassurance, a cheerleader to help me keep going with confidence. When doubts overshadowed my entire day, I relied on them to light the way out of the tunnel.
So, I go to bed tonight padding on my shoulder for another day well done and remind myself that perfection is not what I am aiming for. Enjoy the journey. Embrace this new journey. ❤
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