My grandma peacefully passed away in her bed yesterday morning. She was 93 years old. I had seen her last in October 2019 when I brought Zoe, who was only 4 months old at the time, for her to meet. It turns out, that was my last time seeing my grandma.
I hadn't found out about her passing until early afternoon when my dad texted me the news. He said that their morning was taken over by paramedics visiting, and then contact the funeral home. Texting is the norm between my parents and me because I never seem to pick up the phone on time these days (aka motherhood), and knowing him, he probably was trying to give me the time to process the news. Her passing was not entirely unexpected as her health was rapidly declining in recent years. But I thought we had a little more time.
My ordinary Saturday quickly turned into unordinary. It doesn't feel real.
My grandma was a widely unapologetic person. She was stubborn, incredibly smart, and loud. She liked to talk and had a way of commanding the room with her presence. She was not shy about anything and was very persistent once she had something set in her mind. She loved to talk about politics; too bad the rest of the family didn't so it was a one-way conversation when it came to that topic. She survived the Korean War but tragically lost all of her brothers from it. She admired her dad a lot and would tell me stories about how completely heartbroken he was from the war. She hid her pain stupidly well and had a lot of pride. She held grudges easily and for a long time. She loved her children but her approach to certain decisions wasn't always well-received. Her love language wasn't always understood.
As for being our grandma, she loved us very fiercely. She raised us when my parents both worked long hours in S. Korea. She walked me to school every morning and every afternoon. She fiercely defended and advocated for me when I was struggling in school (making the transition from U.S. to S. Korea as a 3rd grader). She signed me up for swimming lessons, despite my reluctance, and bribed me with the most expensive lunch every time to keep me motivated. I still swim these days. She made me sign up for after-school English classes to retain the language that I learned from elementary years. I didn't miss a beat speaking the language when we permanently moved back to the states in 2001. She slept in the same room with my brother since he was a preemie so she can listen to his breathing; this went on until 5 years ago. She taught us how to speak and read Korean when returned to our home country. She encouraged me to join the school choir in 4th grade. I continued singing through college. She often told me that she is living as long as she can to be assured that Wonho (my preemie brother with many health issues through his adolescent days) will live a healthy life. She made me promise to take care of my brother no matter what. She cried at my wedding. She was joyous when she met Zoe.
She loved watching NBA. Beginning of a new season, she always called me and urged me to email my dad the full NBA broadcasting schedule. If I didn't do it right away, she would call me several times throughout the day until I got it done. She watched every single game. Her dream was to go to an NBA game in person. We weren't able to do that for her. I am heartbroken.
To be honest, she and I did not have a good farewell during that last visit in October 2019. She got upset with me about something I did, which I considered as her being overreacting. I apologized many times, but she never acknowledged it and didn't speak to me the last few days of my visit. I told her "see you next time" as I left, but she never once turned around. That was my last view of my grandma.
My dad later told me that it was her way of cutting off her attachment with me. She knew her health was declining, so it was easier for her to stop thinking about me to make it easier for her to leave when it's time. I am not sure if I agree with that assessment, but she has made some extreme decisions in the past that no one else agreed. She never called me since then and never wanted to answer my calls. I guess I will never find out why she did that. I wish I could pull out all the old photos of her...they are in storage as we haven't moved into our new home yet.
I am sharing all of this because she was a complicated person just like any human, but I am celebrating her life as a whole person. She was literally in my life since the day I was born - she took care of my mom's postpartum recovery and practically raised me and my brother growing up. I don't yet know how her absence is going to affect me. Meanwhile, I am truly grateful for my parents providing palliative and hospice care entirely on their own, especially all while dealing with the pandemic. I wish there was more I could do. I know that part of them inside is feeling some relief because caring for her these last 1 1/2 years has been physically and mentally grueling for them as well.
I wish I had a chance to see her one more time. I held off on traveling there until all the family was vaccinated, but then our lives got a little crazy because of the job search and moving. I was planning to finally visit this fall. I am too late.
I will miss you, grandma. Thank you for your fierce love and devotion to me and Wonho. I know you will continue watching over us. Love you.
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