| Match Day |
Every year in March, the medical community all around the country embarks on a weeklong celebration (or sometimes heartache depending on the outcome). Match Day is when 4th-year medical students find out where they get to do their residency training for the next 3 to 7 years. It requires a grueling series of exams (Step) and traveling all over the place for months to interview before reaching this monumental stage of their medical journey. The matching process is not what average people think – the match is determined based on a sophisticated computer algorithm after the candidates and residency programs enter their “ranks”. Meaning, the computer practically decides where the candidates go. In fact, it’s the worst possible scenario for a group of super smart, goal oriented, meticulous people to rely on an algorithm they don’t understand to seal the course of their future. There’s usually a couple of months between their rank submission to the Match Day…two months of not knowing where the hell they are going.
If you look up #Match2018, you will see endless photos and posts of people smiling, screaming with joy…and tears. Most of the time, it’s tears of joy, but sometimes it can be tears of anxiety or even disappointment.
As a spouse of PGY 4/Plastics and Reconstructive Surgery, I decided to take a moment to provide some humble, but raw, advice after 4 years of this residency journey (and 2 more years to go). Obviously, this is from a spouse’s perspective, but I think it’s important to share with anyone who will be following similar footsteps as I did 4 years ago. For all of you new residents, prepare perpetual exhaustion and several moments of self-doubt. To survive this well, rely on the support of your family and friends even if it hurts your self-confidence. Being a resident is no joke.
Here are some of my humble advice (especially for those married/engaged/couple matched couples):
1. Resentment will be the death of your relationship. Do your very best to not let resentment win the battle. No matter how much you mentally prepare for your Dr. significant other’s (SO) unavailability due to brutal residency schedule, the resentment toward his/her mental and physical unavailability will rise much more quickly than you expect. This is especially the case if you get matched to a place with no known family or friends (aka our story). Moving to St. Louis was more of a difficult transition for me than it was for Z. While Z had the immediate circle of colleagues (and sometimes leading to great friendship later on) that he can immerse himself into, I had absolutely no personal connection with this city. And while I also started my new job fairly quickly after we moved, it was harder for me to have “life” in an area where everyone seemed to be born and raised here. The growing number of eating dinner alone or spending an entire weekend by yourself quickly becomes old no matter how independent of a person you might be. It’s also a challenge if the spouse had to quit a well-established career in the previous town due to the forced relocating nature of the Match. It can become easy to blame the situation on your Dr.SO because the Match caused all these changes. The fact is, the Match brings up a lot of mixed emotions to couples in general. While being matched to the specialty of your choice was always the ultimate goal, when the dust settles, the reality of leaving the familiar region/family/friends/career/lifestyle sets in hard and fast. Some handle it well, others don’t.
2. Don’t compare residency life with your old life. If you are moving out of the current state into an uncharted territory (for us it was from TX to MO…we had never lived in the Midwest before), explore the area with an open mind. I made this mistake of comparing Houston vs. St. Louis when we moved and all I could initially find is the negative stuff – lack of diversity, colder weather, fewer flight options (and thus more expensive to fly), and no friends. Quite frankly, I was fixated on the mentality of “loss” the entire first year we moved here, and it was miserable. My better half, Z, then reminded me one day that we would have 5 more years to go, and my negative outlook was eventually going to hurt our relationship in the long run. While I still greatly missed Houston life, I slowly changed my perspective into appreciating and making the effort to make St. Louis our home. It was then that I began to actually enjoy the four seasons it had to offer, all the free family activities, and kind of people of Midwest. Life is much more fulfilling if you focus on the positives and live in the present. Residency life is never normal, but the Match does offer a unique opportunity for you to live in a place you may never imagine before. And any new experience, good or bad, makes you a more holistic individual.
3. Support each other and communicate. This part can be laughable as you become a seasoned resident’s spouse because one will quickly realize that the responsibility is lopsided. I have observed that in the last 4 years that my responsibility in this marriage has progressively increased over time. I now manage all aspects of our married life – food, shopping, travel arrangements, taxes, yardwork, housework, managing finances, and the list goes on (add childcare if you have children). What does Z do? Well, he spends on average 12 to 14 hours a day at the hospital. When he comes home, he barely stays awake to eat dinner, and then he enters patient notes, prepares for tomorrow’s cases, works on research/presentation for weekly conference, and sleeps about 5 hours. To support him, you have to lower the expectation. It’s not necessarily a bad thing to lower your expectation of him/her because by not doing so leads right into my advice #1. I have come to accept carrying a bigger load in the day to day lives of our marriage to ensure that he focuses his energy on becoming a good surgeon. However, I still communicate my needs/goals to him so he has the opportunity to support me (and support our marriage) whenever he can. You might end up not having the typically supportive and visible SO (compared to your friends in social media) during residency years, but always keep the communication line open so that the relationship stays alive. Again, residency life is atypical and temporary. Don’t let these few years turn against each other.
I am happy to say that the surgical residency life has served us well so far. Sure, there are bumpy moments along the way, and even a brief surfacing of resentment, but residency has certainly made our relationship stronger. The residency takes you on a journey that is so unique to medical professionals and their families that it inevitably creates a tight community of support and friendship.
Good luck to all the new residents and their families embarking on a new and exciting journey!
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