| Resilience |
Most days I feel like I have this whole residency thing down. As a surgeon’s wife, the most you want but the least you get is the time spent with the surgeon husband, so over the years, you find ways to cope with it. Thankfully, I am a woman who wholeheartedly enjoys “me” time and seizes those moments with things I’ve been longing to do alone without the presence of my husband. Yes, as a married woman of 5 years, you learn that “me” time is just as, if not even more, important in marriage even though I get too much of that already.
We moved here to the Midwest in the summer of 2014; a place we knew no one and the closest family was at least 800 miles away. In fact, it was an exciting adventure for a couple in the mid-20s with no kids because it was yet another new thing to try experiencing. The first year of residency quickly turned into a toxic year for me, though, as the reality of residency life quickly set in before my strong adaption mode was able to kick in. While Z might not realize to this day, my realization from the physical distance that residency put me from my friends (we were always far away from family) turned into an endless tunnel of resentment and loneliness. While it took many years of concerted effort, I now have a healthy dose of social life, sense of belonging (both professionally and personally), and a place I call home.
For some reason, the “bubble” I was in that kept me generally happy had burst loud week. It took me by surprise that just from Z’s several incomprehensible workdays led me spiraling into anger, frustration, and meaningless OKs. What I mean by incomprehensible workdays is coming home at 2am after a 12-hour case, and then leaving again at 7am; a call night that night where the pager just doesn’t stop beeping; a (75 minute) presentation due in 2 days, case notes to enter, etc. I was living with a man whom I couldn’t even consider as close roommate because our house was just a revolving door for sleep and occasional eating. All my dinners for him turned cold; he would reheat and then gobble it up in 5 minutes and head upstairs to continue working. Or sometimes he would be just passed out on the couch like a dead man while I’m getting his lunch and coffee prepared for next day, cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry, and answering my own work emails that just won’t stop. What makes it worse is that I can’t even blame him for all of this. This life, a surgical residency where it has no respect for one’s need to rest and have a decent lifestyle, was just something we knew we had to endure for at least 6 years. He was just a result of this brutal residency training that penetrated to every minute of our lives.
My everyday patience and understanding toward him were thinning out faster than I would have liked. It was never a good sign when I began to question the reason for doing all of this – for one guy that I loved all my life thus far. As silly as it is, I didn’t get any flowers from him on Valentine’s Day. In fact, Valentine’s Day was such an afterthought for the guy who was so exhausted to the core. The guy I knew a few years back would bring me flowers and cook a nice dinner for me. I felt like residency was robbing everything from him, and from me. We had spoken less than 6 words every night, and every time it was “I’m sorry I’m not around.” I felt the resentment coming back, the feeling I kept buried so well all these years.
The funny thing is that a week like last week happens quite often. But for some reason, last week just hit me so negatively. Could it have been Valentine’s Day? How silly of me. But, how can you express your feeling as resentment to the man saving other people’s lives every day? How can my problem be important when he is spending 12 hours in an operating room fixing up someone’s (completely shattered) face? It’s as if my role is to make sure his world outside of hospital run perfectly so he can be the best surgeon everyone expects of him to be. But, where does that leave him with being the best version of himself as a life partner, a son, and a friend?
Life during residency is complicated. Often times it feels like everyone loses except for residency. Sometimes, I feel like I a mistress to my husband. And that’s not always OK. It wasn’t OK last week, but I had no choice but to endure.
This week, I chose to not let resentment get in the way of our marriage. There is no point. Resentment never leads to anywhere good. Last week made me realize that I never won the battle vs. resentment. I just became really good at defending from it.
I’ll keep defending…for us.
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